Family lawyers are commonly asked what the best care arrangements are for children. Children typically thrive best when both their parents are actively involved in their lives.

Positive parental involvement furthers a child’s academic achievements, emotional and social development and supporting a child’s overall adjustment. Where parents actively work together in resolving issues, a child is able to more easily adapt to change, stress and loss.

Features of the Best Co-Parenting Arrangements

The best co-parenting arrangement provides for:

1. Parents supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent. This can include facilitating regular contact (both face-to-face contact) as well as indirect contact (like phone or video calls) as well as speaking positively about the other parent.
2. Consistency in parenting arrangements. This means that both parents follow the arrangement, adopt similar routines at both houses and have open communication about what had occurred during each other’s care of the children (e.g. if there have been any illnesses, medication required, changes in behaviour or incidents which have happened).
3. Parents supporting the children’s activities and friendships. This means allowing children to attend these events irrespective of who has care of the child, allowing the other parent to attend these activities and making sure that the child has all the items they need to be able to participate in these activities or events.
4. Positive communication between the parents. This means being respectful towards one another, agreeing on how communication should occur, letting the other parent know about any activities, appointments or special events as early as possible.

General Guide for Considerations Based on the Age of the Child or Children

Parenting arrangements should also take into account a child’s developmental needs (which will change as a child grows). Below is a general guide as to what may be appropriate taking into account a child’s developmental needs:

0-9 months: Caregivers, routines and surroundings need to be predictable, consistent and responsive. Frequent contact with each parent is particularly important to foster the infant’s attachment to their respective parents and parents may want to consider comforting objects (e.g. blanket or stuffed toy) moving between the houses. It is important that an infant is not exposed to anger, violence or others becoming stressed.

9-24 months: Same as above. Parents can expect there to be some separation anxiety from the child during changeovers and should keep in mind that this does not necessarily mean that the child does not want to be with the other parent or there is an issue in the other parent’s household.

2-3 years: Children are able to tolerate slightly longer separations from each parent, however, the child may benefit from reminders that the non-caring parent still loves them and that they will see them soon. Children also tend to assert their independence at this age so parents may want to help their child by having similar routines and rules at each house and put into place a routine with a clear structure and that is consistent and predictable.

3-10 years: Some children may prefer longer periods of time with each parent (with fewer transitions), however, other children may prefer the short and frequent periods of contact. Older children in this age bracket may be aware of their parents’ feelings and make different statements in each household depending on the parent’s views. Parents should avoid conflict over this or questioning the child about these statements. Parents should make sure the child feels free to communicate about the other parent and what they do while in the other parent’s time. Parents may want to consider supporting the child to communicate with the non-caring parent.

10-13 years: Children will start to express an increasing desire for independence and start prioritising time with friends, rather than family. Children may want to have greater say in their care arrangements. As a result, parents may want to be more flexible in their care arrangements then before. Children, at this age, are particularly vulnerable to feeling like they need to choose sides which parents should be mindful against creating such tension. Given the child is entering their teen years, greater communication is needed between parents so that both parents can communicate any concerns about the child engaging in riskier behaviour.

13-15 years: Parents should start taking into account their child’s views as to care arrangements more and be prepared to be more flexible as greater demands on time arise (e.g. sports practices, social events, increased demands at school, relationships and part-time jobs).

If you are navigating the complexities of parenting arrangements and want to ensure that your child’s best interests remain the focus, it is important to seek experienced legal guidance. Please contact our team at office@totaralaw.co.nz to see how we might be able to assist.

Special thanks to Chantal Braybrook for preparing this article.